A little three year old boy is playing with his grandparents in the kitchen of their upstairs apartment.
His grandfather leaves and the boy runs after him wanting him to stay.
He tries to grab hold of his grandfather’s right leg, just as they pass the top of a flight of steep stairs.
The grandfather has something to do and without thinking gives his leg a shake when grabbed.
The little boy bounces of the leg and tumbles headlong down the stairs, crashing into the door at the bottom that is closed tight against the bottom stair.
The boy’s mother hears the noise and runs to the stairs and opens the door.
At this point in the story we are at a turning point.
If she opens the door and consoles the little boy, checks he is ok, holding and loving him, letting him cry and reorient; and the grandfather admits it was his action that contributed to the fall, and reassures the little boy that he shouldn’t blame himself, then the little boy’s self image can quickly recover.
And the incident becomes a life / learning experience for all involved.
But if the grandfather is silent (avoiding potential conflict with the mother) and the mother is afraid, and preoccupied with how the little boy being injured might reflect on her as a parent, and opens the door and reprimands / yells at the little boy – he becomes traumatized.
And, we are at another turning point.
If she yells at him about the fall and the specific situation of what happened on the stairs the result is “just” trauma.
However, if she yells at him about things like how he is clumsy, always getting into trouble, needing her attention – yelling about who he is, rather than what just happened – then he moves into shame.
The experience of falling down the stairs sets in place trauma and shame that is easily activated and reinforced. For example, when he falls at school and is mocked by his friends. In response he develops ways to protect and defend himself. And these become lifelong patterns.
The shame becomes an ongoing “burden”, eroding his self-worth, self-confidence, feeling that it is ok to take up space, ask anything of others, being worthy of love, etc. He retreats into inner shame and his mother’s voice becomes his own self-critical / self-destructive voice.
“Small”, often forgotten, incidents such as these shape our lives, and can require deep inquiry to uncover and resolve.