This note builds on the one called “Choir Song”
As we engage in deep trauma work we track the un-resourceful patterns in our lives back to the younger parts of ourselves that created protective / coping behaviours.
And realize that these patterns are still active within us at a subconscious level.
To resolve the trauma and free ourselves from the patterns we need to connect with these younger parts.
Sit with them
Feel the emotions associated with the trauma and pattern.
Feel the trauma as physical sensations in our bodies. Often suddenly feeling sensations that have been blocked / frozen for years but have been there beneath our consciousness.
Sensations of intense hot or cold can arise as we release the frozen blocks created by trauma.
Sitting with these emotions and physical sensations can be very challenging as they are often intense and bring up long suppressed memories.
Often we can only sit with them for a short period of time. To feel and release them in small increments, otherwise we can be overwhelmed and re-traumatized.
And we need to connect with the younger parts of ourselves – who are often wary and distrusting. They believe the protective behaviour and patterns they have put in place (including blocking memories, feelings and physical sensations) are essential for our survival and have saved our ass more than a few times. They are very reluctant to believe there is a “better”, alternative, more authentic way of being. We cannot wrestle control from these younger selves, but rather we need to work with them.
With patience and compassion we can reach out to these younger parts. Hang out with them in a “place” they are comfortable and get to know them. Building trust and relationship rather than just asking questions to get information about our past. It is so tempting to desperately want to know what happened to us, to remember, to interrogate rather than relate.
As trust builds, memories surface, and we gain insight into who we were and how we changed due to the trauma.
Often we react intensely as these memories surface and we realize how people in the past abused, neglected or otherwise failed us. It is easy to get distracted into a “criminal investigation” of these people. It is important to hold them responsible and accountable for their actions, and realize that our inner healing is up to us. This can be very difficult if these people are family members and may require re-evaluation of short and long term family relationships.
Sometimes it is important to soothe ourselves and our younger parts, as the memories resurface, and the original terror of the traumatic experience returns. Soothing, hugging, rocking or in some way reassuring them, and us, can help us keep going.
The key is to sit with the emotions and sensations that arise, letting them slowly percolate up and dissolve.
Acknowledging the young intelligence that put in place the protective patterns – way back then.
And continue to build trust with our younger protector selves to the point that they release control (“no longer driving the bus”) and are willing to re-integrate into our hearts. Feeling loved and appreciated.
Slowly we release the trauma and protections as we see our way clear to change who we have been.
There is no fast track.
During this work we are in transition. Slowly recognizing that the roots of our being were sourcing from trauma. We were rooted and living from this foundation. Separate, frozen, isolated from Pachamama and LIFE.
And we recognize that some of our fundamental or cherished beliefs were sourced from trauma. That we have held a trauma-based cognitive bias that has coloured our understanding of ourselves and the world.
And we realize why the past personal growth workshops and spiritual practices never really worked for us – blocked by trauma – frozen.
As the trauma unfreezes and releases we begin to wonder who we really are and what we really want? Magnifying the question: “who am I”. How are we to express our now no longer frozen creativity? How do we incorporate the best of our trauma based adaptations, skills, and capacities into our new being?
This realization of un-rootedness can be very disorienting.
And along with this comes regret and often shame. Regret for what we did, what we have missed in life from being stuck in trauma, and what we have done to others from this place. It is easy to fall into self-condemnation of who we have been – kindness, compassion and forgiveness are needed to continue our journey.
We often need to repeat this overall process many times to discover and resolve all the trauma in our lives, working with all the young parts that protected us at different ages.
And when working with generational trauma we may need to work with the traumatized aspects of our parents or grandparents as we realize that we carry inherited trauma, patterns and beliefs that originated with them. Likewise with aspects of ourselves from past lives.
Continue the journey all the way to the top of the mountain!
We may never know why terrible, traumatic things happen to us, especially when we are young and innocent. However we can reconcile that it is now part of our journey to re-integrate; to work through the initiation of traumatic soul recovery that is before us. To “make medicine” of our lives.
Authenticity awaits!
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Summary: Some reasons why we avoid engaging in trauma resolution:
Discomfort of feeling intense, challenging emotions (e.g. anger, hatred, fear).
Desire to avoid physical sensation, pain, discomfort.
Disbelief at disconcerting and disturbing memories arising.
Not wanting to acknowledge how family members failed us and how we now feel about them since it will have such disruptive effects on family relationships.
Desire to “fix” ourselves and eliminate symptoms, rather than sit with uncomfortable / difficult emotions and physical sensations while they slowly release.
Cultural / spiritual beliefs such as: focus on happiness; avoid suffering; maintain higher vibration; make life fun.
Frustration with the process and desire to get our lives “back to normal”. Thinking that’s enough.
Being overwhelmed and re-traumatized if not processing slowly and gently.
Regret or guilt in recognizing patterns and past behaviour we put in place to protect us but was often hurtful to others.
Impatience with the slow pace of the work, and apparent lack of “progress”.
Disorientation and desire to bail out and return to what we know.
The difficult challenge of working with trauma and still maintaining “normal” life and relationships.
Being unrooted and not knowing who I am.
Note: for additional info see “River”, “Origins – Trauma and Shame”, and “Host”